Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He has the fingertips of a God
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