respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
