I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
