i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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