nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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