i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
