dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize