You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
