I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
