Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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