I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize