I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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