just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
