Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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