dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
