I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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