Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize