already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
