My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
