How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
