put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
