my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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