This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
