toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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