I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
