He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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