new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
