Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
