It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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