D3 body, D1 cock
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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