I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
