I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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