I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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