I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
