i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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