You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
