mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
