my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
