I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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