rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
