I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
