grandma shit on top of the toilet
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
