We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
