You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
