my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
