Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
