Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize