my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
