it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
