I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
