He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
