you guys were way drunker than both of me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
