Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
