I just saw a hot homeless man
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
