I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
