You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
