Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
