Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
